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Re: [Crit] and discussion -- My Other

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Capuchin wrote:
> Dorothy J Heydt wrote:
>>Capuchin wrote:
>>>
>>>The blackjack dealer slid a card from the shoe to the square in front
>>>of me and then took one for herself. My other knew I had a queen and
>>>she a six, but to maintain my disguise as a normal person, I lifted
>>>the corner of mine for a quick peek. The next cards, dealt face up,
>>>were an eight for me and a jack for her.
>>>
>>>I felt a sinking disgust. My other knew the next card in the shoe was
>>>a three. If I took it, I'd win with twenty-one. But who hits on
>>>eighteen? If I passed, her sixteen became nineteen, and she'd sweep my
>>>bet from the table.
>>>
>>>I waved off another card and sat back, waiting for the inevitable.
>>>Technically, I was ahead, but only about two thousand for almost an
>>>hour of bad hand after bad hand that nothing could make right.
>>>
>>>My other knew four face cards waited to be dealt next, another push,
>>>taking more minutes to neither win nor lose. I could force my other to
>>>see the cards beyond that, to see if there might be a streak of good
>>>luck waiting, but even after all my practice in front of a mirror, I
>>>always look like I'm constipated when I do that. Instead, I pushed a
>>>fifty dollar chip towards the dealer, downed the last of the melted
>>>ice in my glass, stood, smiled, and picked up my rack of chips. "Maybe
>>>tomorrow," I said and walked away without listening to her reply.
>>>
>>>The only way out of the casino was past the craps tables and row after
>>>row of slot machines. Since they relied on last-moment chance, rather
>>>than being preordained, both were immune to my other. I could know
>>>only things that were, not things that will be.
>>>
>>>What would you do different?
>>>
>>Well: is this the opening of the story, or an extract from later?
>>If it's an extract, perhaps you'd want to introduce "my other" in
>>some not-too-explain-y way.  Appparent they can sense predetermined
>>order, which exists in the present, but can't predict random
>>actions that will happen in the future?  (This almost makes
>>sense.)
>>
>>I am handicapped in this discussion by knowing damn-all about
>>blackjack--it is blackjack, isn't it?
>>
>>Possibly an opening paragraph might help, on the order of
>>
>>"We walked into the casino, my other and I.  I heard the rattle
>>of dice, the nervous chatter of voices, smelled high-quality
>>booze and cheap perfume.  But my other fed me the order of cards
>>in the deck, one deck becoming clear as it finished its last
>>shuffle, and [whatever else the other can see because it exists
>>in the present.]"
>>
>>But it's an interesting concept.  Go with it.
>
> This is the opening.Yes, it's blackjack. You draw cards until you're
> as high as possible without going over 21, and then whoever has the
> highest hand wins. In casinos, the dealer has to stand on 17 and above
> and draw on 16 or less.
>
> One problem I've had is making sure there's no hint of another
> person/body involved, as in "significant other." I've learned that if
> a reader gets an idea there are two people, nothing will shake it
> loose. Even when told, by other characters' statements/actions they
> see only one person, the reader will still think there are two, but
> maybe one is a ghost, or invisible, or . . .
>
> I considered: ". . .  My other way of seeing showed I had a queen . .
> .," . . . "My unseen other eyeball looked through the cards . . .,"
> and . . . "My magic-induced other sight showed . . .," but nothing
> along these lines feels right.
>
> That he only sees things that are fixed adds, I think, on two
> different levels. It prevents him from being omniscient (and leading a
> perfect life), and it makes him wonder if there are people whose
> others can see the future (he doesn't know the source of his 'gift').
>
> There might be a later scene with him in a non-casino card game. He
> knows the next card will give him a full house, but what he's dealt is
> different. He instantly knows his opponent is dealing seconds, but he
> can't call him out on it ("I psychically knew what my next card would
> be" won't win you any friends at the poker table) .

Your first "my other" made me anticipate another person. Your second and
subsequent "my other"s made it clear there was no other person.
    "My other" counter-intuitively works for me despite my instinct to
use "Other." All in all, your prose works "as is" for me.
    
Danke,

-- 
Don.......My cat's  )\._.,--....,'``.     https://crcomp.net/reviews.php
telltale tall tail /,   _.. \   _\  (`._ ,.
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[Crit] and discussion -- My Other Capuchin <Capuchin@jymes.com> - 2021-12-13 20:58 -0600
  Re: [Crit] and discussion -- My Other djheydt@kithrup.com (Dorothy J Heydt) - 2021-12-14 14:38 +0000
    Re: [Crit] and discussion -- My Other Capuchin <Capuchin@jymes.com> - 2021-12-14 10:27 -0600
      Re: [Crit] and discussion -- My Other djheydt@kithrup.com (Dorothy J Heydt) - 2021-12-14 16:51 +0000
        Re: [Crit] and discussion -- My Other Capuchin <Capuchin@jymes.com> - 2021-12-14 18:27 -0600
      Re: [Crit] and discussion -- My Other Don <g@crcomp.net> - 2021-12-14 17:29 +0000
        Re: [Crit] and discussion -- My Other Capuchin <Capuchin@jymes.com> - 2021-12-14 18:32 -0600
        Re: [Crit] and discussion -- My Other Joy Beeson <jbeeson@invalid.net.invalid> - 2021-12-18 22:48 -0500
          Re: [Crit] and discussion -- My Other Capuchin <Capuchin@jymes.com> - 2021-12-22 18:00 -0600
  Re: [Crit] and discussion -- My Other Titus G <noone@nowhere.com> - 2021-12-15 06:59 +1300
    Re: [Crit] and discussion -- My Other Capuchin <Capuchin@jymes.com> - 2021-12-14 18:34 -0600
      Re: [Crit] and discussion -- My Other djheydt@kithrup.com (Dorothy J Heydt) - 2021-12-15 01:20 +0000
        Re: [Crit] and discussion -- My Other Capuchin <Capuchin@jymes.com> - 2021-12-15 16:00 -0600
          Re: [Crit] and discussion -- My Other djheydt@kithrup.com (Dorothy J Heydt) - 2021-12-16 02:03 +0000
        Re: [Crit] and discussion -- My Other Titus G <noone@nowhere.com> - 2021-12-16 15:37 +1300
          Re: [Crit] and discussion -- My Other Capuchin <Capuchin@jymes.com> - 2021-12-16 16:37 -0600
    Re: [Crit] and discussion -- My Other BCFD36 <bcfd36@cruzio.com> - 2021-12-15 16:27 -0800
      Re: [Crit] and discussion -- My Other Capuchin <Capuchin@jymes.com> - 2021-12-15 19:03 -0600
        Re: [Crit] and discussion -- My Other "Gary R. Schmidt" <grschmidt@acm.org> - 2021-12-16 13:10 +1100
          Re: [Crit] and discussion -- My Other Capuchin <Capuchin@jymes.com> - 2021-12-16 16:35 -0600

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