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Re: [Crit] and discussion -- My Other

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In article <8a1grg1jfad685lmlmaatv1mumofegsvbq@4ax.com>,
Capuchin  <Capuchin@jymes.com> wrote:
>Something I'm trying to work on, but doubts keep overriding my
>efforts:
>
>*****
>
>The blackjack dealer slid a card from the shoe to the square in front
>of me and then took one for herself. My other knew I had a queen and
>she a six, but to maintain my disguise as a normal person, I lifted
>the corner of mine for a quick peek. The next cards, dealt face up,
>were an eight for me and a jack for her. 
>
>I felt a sinking disgust. My other knew the next card in the shoe was
>a three. If I took it, I'd win with twenty-one. But who hits on
>eighteen? If I passed, her sixteen became nineteen, and she'd sweep my
>bet from the table. 
>
>I waved off another card and sat back, waiting for the inevitable.
>Technically, I was ahead, but only about two thousand for almost an
>hour of bad hand after bad hand that nothing could make right. 
>
>My other knew four face cards waited to be dealt next, another push,
>taking more minutes to neither win nor lose. I could force my other to
>see the cards beyond that, to see if there might be a streak of good
>luck waiting, but even after all my practice in front of a mirror, I
>always look like I'm constipated when I do that. Instead, I pushed a
>fifty dollar chip towards the dealer, downed the last of the melted
>ice in my glass, stood, smiled, and picked up my rack of chips. "Maybe
>tomorrow," I said and walked away without listening to her reply.
>
>The only way out of the casino was past the craps tables and row after
>row of slot machines. Since they relied on last-moment chance, rather
>than being preordained, both were immune to my other. I could know
>only things that were, not things that will be.
>
>*****
>
>I don't want to capitalize 'other' or call it 'the other' because that
>seems trite. Does it work this way?
>
>I also don't want to do an "as you know, Bob" about its traits and
>peculiarities, and/or what he does to keep it hidden. Is the idea here
>as plain as I would like to think it is?
>
>What would you do different?
> 
Well: is this the opening of the story, or an extract from later?
If it's an extract, perhaps you'd want to introduce "my other" in
some not-too-explain-y way.  Appparent they can sense predetermined
order, which exists in the present, but can't predict random
actions that will happen in the future?  (This almost makes
sense.)

I am handicapped in this discussion by knowing damn-all about
blackjack--it is blackjack, isn't it?

Possibly an opening paragraph might help, on the order of

"We walked into the casino, my other and I.  I heard the rattle
of dice, the nervous chatter of voices, smelled high-quality
booze and cheap perfume.  But my other fed me the order of cards
in the deck, one deck becoming clear as it finished its last
shuffle, and [whatever else the other can see because it exists
in the present.]"

But it's an interesting concept.  Go with it.

-- 
Dorothy J. Heydt
Vallejo, California
djheydt at gmail dot com
Www.kithrup.com/~djheydt/

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[Crit] and discussion -- My Other Capuchin <Capuchin@jymes.com> - 2021-12-13 20:58 -0600
  Re: [Crit] and discussion -- My Other djheydt@kithrup.com (Dorothy J Heydt) - 2021-12-14 14:38 +0000
    Re: [Crit] and discussion -- My Other Capuchin <Capuchin@jymes.com> - 2021-12-14 10:27 -0600
      Re: [Crit] and discussion -- My Other djheydt@kithrup.com (Dorothy J Heydt) - 2021-12-14 16:51 +0000
        Re: [Crit] and discussion -- My Other Capuchin <Capuchin@jymes.com> - 2021-12-14 18:27 -0600
      Re: [Crit] and discussion -- My Other Don <g@crcomp.net> - 2021-12-14 17:29 +0000
        Re: [Crit] and discussion -- My Other Capuchin <Capuchin@jymes.com> - 2021-12-14 18:32 -0600
        Re: [Crit] and discussion -- My Other Joy Beeson <jbeeson@invalid.net.invalid> - 2021-12-18 22:48 -0500
          Re: [Crit] and discussion -- My Other Capuchin <Capuchin@jymes.com> - 2021-12-22 18:00 -0600
  Re: [Crit] and discussion -- My Other Titus G <noone@nowhere.com> - 2021-12-15 06:59 +1300
    Re: [Crit] and discussion -- My Other Capuchin <Capuchin@jymes.com> - 2021-12-14 18:34 -0600
      Re: [Crit] and discussion -- My Other djheydt@kithrup.com (Dorothy J Heydt) - 2021-12-15 01:20 +0000
        Re: [Crit] and discussion -- My Other Capuchin <Capuchin@jymes.com> - 2021-12-15 16:00 -0600
          Re: [Crit] and discussion -- My Other djheydt@kithrup.com (Dorothy J Heydt) - 2021-12-16 02:03 +0000
        Re: [Crit] and discussion -- My Other Titus G <noone@nowhere.com> - 2021-12-16 15:37 +1300
          Re: [Crit] and discussion -- My Other Capuchin <Capuchin@jymes.com> - 2021-12-16 16:37 -0600
    Re: [Crit] and discussion -- My Other BCFD36 <bcfd36@cruzio.com> - 2021-12-15 16:27 -0800
      Re: [Crit] and discussion -- My Other Capuchin <Capuchin@jymes.com> - 2021-12-15 19:03 -0600
        Re: [Crit] and discussion -- My Other "Gary R. Schmidt" <grschmidt@acm.org> - 2021-12-16 13:10 +1100
          Re: [Crit] and discussion -- My Other Capuchin <Capuchin@jymes.com> - 2021-12-16 16:35 -0600

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