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Re: Semi-Homemade with Sandra Lee: Gift Blanket Bingo

Cross-posted to 3 groups.

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In article <uriojo$2m9si$8@dont-email.me>, weberm@polaris.net wrote:

>SLop is in her faux pantry and tells us how the gift of food is the best 
>gift of all. Wow. If anyone gave me any of those as gifts I would 
>seriously reconsider our friendship! SLop lists off what she's going to 
>make. It's a bad sign when SLop is slurring her speech like a lush before 
>the credits even start ("M-m-mmmmoistest"?).
>
>SLop starts off by making peanut brittle from Kraft Caramels and toffee 
>nuts. She dowses her non-stick pan with Pam so it doesn't stick and melts 
>the caramels. Amazingly, the caramel is not sticking to the pan! She adds 
>the nuts and lets it cook for a few minutes. She announces the mixture 
>has melted but we can see it is starting to boil and dumps it into a pan 
>to harden up, covering with plastic wrap and popping into the fridge. 
>SLop pulls out a pan that has already been in the fridge and sets it 
>aside.
>
>SLop makes some chocolate macadamia bark by melting some dark and white 
>chocolate chips and putting some crushed Macadamia into a plastic bag and 
>smashing them some more with a rolling pin. She then layers the melted 
>chips on a baking sheet lined with wax paper and swirls it with a 
>toothpick, except when she pulls it out, it looks like she had several 
>toothpicks bunched together. In any case, it looks like it took several 
>minutes to do and I am almost certain Milli Vanilla intervened with a 
>spoon between the slow dissolve because there is no way a toothpick could 
>even closely swirl it that thoroughly. SLop then tells us to sprinkle the 
>leftover chips (Oops, I hope you have more bags of chips in your pantry!) 
>and nuts onto the mix. SLop then tells us that "with recipes like these, 
>you could open your own candy shop and no one would be the wiser", which 
>reminds me of that ol' "If a tree falls in a forest and no one is 
>there.." riddle. Hee! SLop then presses the top of the bark to 
>"incorporate" them into the chocolate and puts it in the fridge.
>
>SLop then takes the not-so-brittle and removes the foil because "You 
>don't want any foil in your candy". Really, now? SLop then starts to pull 
>the not-so-brittle into pieces and puts them into some double layer paper 
>cones for a gift-in-a-gift effect. After she puts some pieces into a 
>cone, the camera cuts away as the not-so-brittle pieces start to droop. I 
>noticed that throughout this segment the camera didn't focus too much on 
>that not-so-brittle; it started drooping when she pulled it out of the 
>pan and the knife s-l-o-w-l-y cut through it instead of fracturing when 
>she broke it into tiny pieces. I noticed that was the one thing she 
>DIDN'T stuff into her pie-hole this week, so that's saying a lot.
>
>We return from commercial in time to see SLop make her Seattle Mug Cake. 
>She takes out the "batter that comes in the box", which astounds me 
>because dry mix comes in a box, not batter. Anyways, she puts the coffee 
>cake mix into a bowl and sets the swirl stuff aside, then adds a quarter 
>cup of oil USING A DRY MEASURE CUP but says it doesn't matter and two 
>eggs. SLop then adds a secret ingredient; hot water and "expresso". Ummm, 
>SLop dear, "coffee cake" does not mean "cake flavoured like coffee". 
>Next, things start to get crazy. Yeah, I know, big surprise. She takes 
>half a dozen rolls, meaning four, cuts the tops off, and puts them into a 
>pan. SLop then makes a milk and egg mixture for a french toast/bread 
>pudding effect with the ripped up tops of the rolls. She then pours half 
>the batter into the pan with the roll bottoms and then covers the 
>contents with the streudel topping packet. She then tops this with the 
>bread pudding mixture and pours the rest of the batter over that. For 
>added effect, SLop takes a long wooden skewer to make a swirl effect, but 
>I don't see how she can with all crap in the pan. She produces a finished 
>cake that is visibly burnt on the bottom and shows us the swirls on the 
>bottom and inside. She must be stoned because I am not seeing any swirls 
>at all. OMG! SLop just shoveled a HUGE piece of that chimeric cake into 
>her mouth! As we bop to commercial break, I am left wondering why the 
>version in the bumper looks nothing like what she just wolfed down and 
>what makes this a "Seattle" cake. Is it the "expresso"?
>
>We return from commercials to SLop breathlessly telling us how great 
>sugar cookie dough is and its many uses: the base of a pie or cake, 
>cookies (of course), and picture frames. She mixes the dough with brandy 
>extract and flour, rolls it out, and cuts it into frame shapes. Hmm, this 
>is exactly how she made those "better than Krispy Kreme" FauxNuts, isn't 
>it? She then ices them and embellishes them with frosting and candy beads 
>and then uses the remaining frosting to glue the frames to the pictures. 
>Way to ruin the family pictures, SLop. Now, are we sppsd to eat these and 
>keep the ruined photos or display them until the ants and bugs get to 
>them?
>
>Lastly, SLop makes a peach fondue out of melted white chocolate chips, 
>cream, and strained peaches. Does this woman have crates of chocolate 
>chips in her pantry or something? She adds some chocolate liquor, warning 
>us about the live flame on her incandescent stove, then pours it into a 
>jar for some meringues she bought from the store. How do you get the 
>peach "fondue" out of the jar when it solidifies? 
>
>SLop shows us a tablescape consisting of a colander lined with a blue 
>gingham apron and filled with kitchen tools and her "fondue" and 
>meringues. Hmm, I wonder if the pictures in those cookie frames are the 
>ones which come with real frames?

Oh, for the love of God. If you have the time to spend all afternoon 
decorating fiddly little cookies, you have the time to make your own damn 
cookie dough. Why would you use expensive dough-in-a-tube for cookies that 
aren't even going to be eaten, when you can make a simple flour-based 
nonedible dough? 

I'm sure everyone noticed her horrible decorating skills. Her "Kim" on the 
one frame was pathetic, as were the little "dots" (that looked like they had 
tails). 

That was no nut brittle -- Brittle cracks, it doesn't pull apart.

So, she was telling us to put that weird-looking coffee cake into mugs before 
giving it away? Wouldn't it get all stale and icky? Who gives a gift like 
that? The coffee cake itself had me totally flummoxed. How can you "swirl" 
anything with those big-ass rolls at the bottom? Who dumps coffee cake mix 
over sweet rolls?

At the beginning, she talked about the "best meringues ever." They were 
store-bought meringues, she just put them into (excuse me, INto) a cellophane 
bag. Well, I guess they probably tasted better than a Sandra-made meringue.

What was that domed cake that showed up at the beginning and on the ending 
tablescape? Just some random pastry that wandered in?

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Semi-Homemade with Sandra Lee: Gift Blanket Bingo Ubiquitous <weberm@polaris.net> - 2024-02-26 14:24 -0500
  Re: Semi-Homemade with Sandra Lee: Gift Blanket Bingo ItsJoanNotJoAnn@webtv.net (ItsJoanNotJoAnn) - 2024-02-26 20:44 +0000
    Re: Semi-Homemade with Sandra Lee: Gift Blanket Bingo anim8rfsk <anim8rfsk@cox.net> - 2024-02-27 03:32 -0700
      Re: Semi-Homemade with Sandra Lee: Gift Blanket Bingo Ubiquitous <weberm@polaris.net> - 2024-02-29 04:30 -0500
    Re: Semi-Homemade with Sandra Lee: Gift Blanket Bingo Ubiquitous <weberm@polaris.net> - 2024-02-27 04:30 -0500
  Re: Semi-Homemade with Sandra Lee: Gift Blanket Bingo Opal Greenberg <wdpykay@ferrell.com> - 2024-02-26 20:45 +0000

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