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Semi-Homemade with Sandra Lee: Gift Blanket Bingo

Cross-posted to 3 groups.

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SLop is in her faux pantry and tells us how the gift of food is the best 
gift of all. Wow. If anyone gave me any of those as gifts I would 
seriously reconsider our friendship! SLop lists off what she's going to 
make. It's a bad sign when SLop is slurring her speech like a lush before 
the credits even start ("M-m-mmmmoistest"?).

SLop starts off by making peanut brittle from Kraft Caramels and toffee 
nuts. She dowses her non-stick pan with Pam so it doesn't stick and melts 
the caramels. Amazingly, the caramel is not sticking to the pan! She adds 
the nuts and lets it cook for a few minutes. She announces the mixture 
has melted but we can see it is starting to boil and dumps it into a pan 
to harden up, covering with plastic wrap and popping into the fridge. 
SLop pulls out a pan that has already been in the fridge and sets it 
aside.

SLop makes some chocolate macadamia bark by melting some dark and white 
chocolate chips and putting some crushed Macadamia into a plastic bag and 
smashing them some more with a rolling pin. She then layers the melted 
chips on a baking sheet lined with wax paper and swirls it with a 
toothpick, except when she pulls it out, it looks like she had several 
toothpicks bunched together. In any case, it looks like it took several 
minutes to do and I am almost certain Milli Vanilla intervened with a 
spoon between the slow dissolve because there is no way a toothpick could 
even closely swirl it that thoroughly. SLop then tells us to sprinkle the 
leftover chips (Oops, I hope you have more bags of chips in your pantry!) 
and nuts onto the mix. SLop then tells us that "with recipes like these, 
you could open your own candy shop and no one would be the wiser", which 
reminds me of that ol' "If a tree falls in a forest and no one is 
there.." riddle. Hee! SLop then presses the top of the bark to 
"incorporate" them into the chocolate and puts it in the fridge.

SLop then takes the not-so-brittle and removes the foil because "You 
don't want any foil in your candy". Really, now? SLop then starts to pull 
the not-so-brittle into pieces and puts them into some double layer paper 
cones for a gift-in-a-gift effect. After she puts some pieces into a 
cone, the camera cuts away as the not-so-brittle pieces start to droop. I 
noticed that throughout this segment the camera didn't focus too much on 
that not-so-brittle; it started drooping when she pulled it out of the 
pan and the knife s-l-o-w-l-y cut through it instead of fracturing when 
she broke it into tiny pieces. I noticed that was the one thing she 
DIDN'T stuff into her pie-hole this week, so that's saying a lot.

We return from commercial in time to see SLop make her Seattle Mug Cake. 
She takes out the "batter that comes in the box", which astounds me 
because dry mix comes in a box, not batter. Anyways, she puts the coffee 
cake mix into a bowl and sets the swirl stuff aside, then adds a quarter 
cup of oil USING A DRY MEASURE CUP but says it doesn't matter and two 
eggs. SLop then adds a secret ingredient; hot water and "expresso". Ummm, 
SLop dear, "coffee cake" does not mean "cake flavoured like coffee". 
Next, things start to get crazy. Yeah, I know, big surprise. She takes 
half a dozen rolls, meaning four, cuts the tops off, and puts them into a 
pan. SLop then makes a milk and egg mixture for a french toast/bread 
pudding effect with the ripped up tops of the rolls. She then pours half 
the batter into the pan with the roll bottoms and then covers the 
contents with the streudel topping packet. She then tops this with the 
bread pudding mixture and pours the rest of the batter over that. For 
added effect, SLop takes a long wooden skewer to make a swirl effect, but 
I don't see how she can with all crap in the pan. She produces a finished 
cake that is visibly burnt on the bottom and shows us the swirls on the 
bottom and inside. She must be stoned because I am not seeing any swirls 
at all. OMG! SLop just shoveled a HUGE piece of that chimeric cake into 
her mouth! As we bop to commercial break, I am left wondering why the 
version in the bumper looks nothing like what she just wolfed down and 
what makes this a "Seattle" cake. Is it the "expresso"?

We return from commercials to SLop breathlessly telling us how great 
sugar cookie dough is and its many uses: the base of a pie or cake, 
cookies (of course), and picture frames. She mixes the dough with brandy 
extract and flour, rolls it out, and cuts it into frame shapes. Hmm, this 
is exactly how she made those "better than Krispy Kreme" FauxNuts, isn't 
it? She then ices them and embellishes them with frosting and candy beads 
and then uses the remaining frosting to glue the frames to the pictures. 
Way to ruin the family pictures, SLop. Now, are we sppsd to eat these and 
keep the ruined photos or display them until the ants and bugs get to 
them?

Lastly, SLop makes a peach fondue out of melted white chocolate chips, 
cream, and strained peaches. Does this woman have crates of chocolate 
chips in her pantry or something? She adds some chocolate liquor, warning 
us about the live flame on her incandescent stove, then pours it into a 
jar for some meringues she bought from the store. How do you get the 
peach "fondue" out of the jar when it solidifies? 

SLop shows us a tablescape consisting of a colander lined with a blue 
gingham apron and filled with kitchen tools and her "fondue" and 
meringues. Hmm, I wonder if the pictures in those cookie frames are the 
ones which come with real frames?


--  
WARNING!!!
Use of these recipes may be hazardous to your health, food budget,
standing in your community and liver function. Use at your own risk!! 
We assume no liability from any illness or injury sustained while 
eating the "food" or being exposed to crapass tablescapes. And no, 
we're not sure where she grew up either. The Cordon Bleu disavows any 
knowlege of Miss Lee.

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Semi-Homemade with Sandra Lee: Gift Blanket Bingo Ubiquitous <weberm@polaris.net> - 2024-02-26 14:24 -0500
  Re: Semi-Homemade with Sandra Lee: Gift Blanket Bingo ItsJoanNotJoAnn@webtv.net (ItsJoanNotJoAnn) - 2024-02-26 20:44 +0000
    Re: Semi-Homemade with Sandra Lee: Gift Blanket Bingo anim8rfsk <anim8rfsk@cox.net> - 2024-02-27 03:32 -0700
      Re: Semi-Homemade with Sandra Lee: Gift Blanket Bingo Ubiquitous <weberm@polaris.net> - 2024-02-29 04:30 -0500
    Re: Semi-Homemade with Sandra Lee: Gift Blanket Bingo Ubiquitous <weberm@polaris.net> - 2024-02-27 04:30 -0500
  Re: Semi-Homemade with Sandra Lee: Gift Blanket Bingo Opal Greenberg <wdpykay@ferrell.com> - 2024-02-26 20:45 +0000

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