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| From | nebusj-@-rpi-.edu (Joseph Nebus) |
|---|---|
| Newsgroups | rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc, alt.tv.mst3k, alt.fan.mst3k |
| Subject | MiSTed: The Invisible Planet ( 1 / 1 ) |
| Date | 2026-01-15 23:40 +0000 |
| Organization | PANIX Public Access Internet and UNIX, NYC |
| Message-ID | <10kbttv$153$1@reader2.panix.com> (permalink) |
Cross-posted to 3 groups.
> THE INVISIBLE PLANET
JOEL: Oh, I haven't seen this.
>
> By A B. Crews
CROW, TOM: [ Chanting ] A B the Crews guy! A B the Crews guy!
JOEL: [ In his own world ] Already Been Crewed gum?
>
> "When a fella discovers something,
TOM: It usually involves a new way to spit.
> he'd at least like to know
> what he's discovered."
CROW: Oh, I don't know, you want to leave something for the follow-up crew to do.
>
> That was logic according to Bill Swift
JOEL: His parents named him after a past-due notice.
> whenever he told the
> story after he learned the secret of the Invisible Planet,
TOM: That secret: it's got a creamy filling!
> but he
> wasn't so sure of his own sanity when it all started.
CROW: You know it's a fascinating story when the characters think it can't happen that way.
>
> There he was,
TOM: Inch by inch!
JOEL: Sicily, 1913!
> hurtling through space at fifty miles per second,
> looking for something to explore in outer space,
CROW: Definitely looking for a bathroom.
> when he noticed his
> automatic speed regulator registering a decrease in velocity.
JOEL: [ As Bill ] That seems irregular! What is this regulator even for?
> The
> regulator was attuned to various atmospheric conditions.
TOM: Like mackerel skies, or dew points.
> In the vacuum
> it always kept the ship going at an even rate. But the denser air of
> the planets slowed it down for a landing.
JOEL: Slow down for landing? You're no fun anymore.
> And here, in the open
> reaches of space, the darn thing was clicking down to landing speed.
CROW: Of ... zero?
> Bill looked through the port-hole and saw nothing but black sky and
> distant planets.
JOEL: Also macaroni. Many kinds, many sizes. He had to investigate.
>
> "I better get her ready for a landing, and steer by the
> instruments.
TOM: They seem to be doing fine without you, Bill.
CROW: Bill, are you actually supposed to be doing something else?
> There's something very screwy here. Atmospheric
> conditions out in the middle of the void."
JOEL: If you don't meet its conditions the atmosphere won't even get out of bed in the morning.
TOM: You know the atmosphere demands you take out all the brown M&Ms just to be sure you read its contract.
>
> Suddenly, the ship bounced to a rough landing.
CROW: Secret of The Invisible Planet? It's made of trampolines!
> Swift landed on
> the floor. "Glad the Captain of the Space Fleet wasn't here to see
> that bang up!
JOEL: How do you know he's not?
> And speaking of seeing things --- there's not a thing
> around here to see, yet I distinctly bumped into something."
CROW: Who is he talking to?
TOM: Jimmy Rabbit's Brother.
>
> He opened the space lock and peered out into utter blackness.
JOEL: It's a parking lot.
TOM: It's not *that* big. It's a parking *little*, maybe a parking *medium*.
> Slowly, he stepped down into what seemed like sheer nothingness and
> just as his foot touched a solid surface that he could not see,
CROW: He's discovered 'Night'.
> he was
> roughly grabbed by the shoulders, and dragged further into the void.
JOEL: Oh no! Tickle ghosts!
> Hands were dragging him, but Bill Swift saw no hands.
TOM: Tickle ghosts using their *feet*!
>
> "What's going on here? Who's got me?" Bill pulled and twisted
> and tugged at invisible manacles that had been clamped to his wrists.
TOM: Which was no 'one small step for man' but they aren't all going to be winners.
> Something gave him a blow from behind,
CROW: They're tickling him with balloons!
> and he whirled in anger,
> swinging wildly with his shackled hands.
JOEL: Didn't see *that* coming, did he?
>
> He felt his fist contact human flesh, and a woman's scream rang
> out!
CROW: Oh no, he's a cad!
JOEL: A bounder even.
>
> An Earthman spoke! "That wasn't very gentlemanly of you. Do you
> always go about hitting women? And such a beautiful one at that!"
TOM: Oh, these invisible jailers got *jokes*.
>
> A lovely soft voice came to him through the emptiness.
> "Naturally, he didn't know I was here, Victor.
CROW: THE INVISIBLE VICTOR!
> I am not badly hurt,
> but the young man is very strong!"
TOM: Secret of The Invisible Planet? Everyone on it is kinda scrawny!
>
> "Gee, M'am I'm termibly sorry! I wish someone would tell me what
> this is all about!"
JOEL: [ As Bill ] And make the explanation dumb, I think we need that!
>
> The slippery tones of Victor answered him, "You have, unhappily
> for yourself, landed on the planet Inviso which,
TOM: Was named in a huge hurry.
> because of its
> peculiar immunity to attacking fleets, will, someday, be master of the
> universe under my leadership.
CROW: Finds an Invisible Planet *and* happens to land next to its boss? Bill has some incredible good luck here.
> We cannot, of course, allow word of this
> planet to escape before we are ready for our offensive drive on the
> visible planets.
TOM: [ As the woman ] Victor's not good at keeping secrets. Uh ... are you?
> Therefore, we shall have to keep you here. You may
> prove useful to us someday."
JOEL: In case we need someone visible who can open jars.
>
> "Won't I even be allowed to see where I am?"
CROW: Does Bill not understand the premise yet?
>
> "That would not be very wise on my part.
TOM: Place is that messy, huh?
JOEL: [ As Victor ] Sorry, I kinda live out of my planet.
t you being a
> little harsh, Victor?
TOM: [ As Bill ] I think he's being a big harsh Victor!
JOEL: [ As the woman ] Hush, honey, grown-ups are talking.
> Perhaps ... "
>
> "I said no! You will keep out of this, Nadine!" his voice was
> sharp and cruel.
ALL: [ Gasping ]
CROW: The beast! He's named her 'Nadine'!
JOEL: You know 'Nadine' is the diminutive for being named 'Nade'.
>
> Bill was lead away and chained to a wall he could not see.
CROW: Worse, the wall was covered with invisible graffiti about *him*.
JOEL: Secret of The Invisible Planet? It's well-partitioned.
> "Of
> all the planets in the universe, I have to run into one that isn't
> there!
TOM: [ As Nadine ] Invisible isn't the same thing as not-there. Do you have problems with object permanence?
> I'm getting the creeps, hung way out here in nowhere. I wonder
> if I'm going mad?"
JOEL: You sound more cranky than mad to me.
CROW: Yeah, maybe you need a nap. Would you like an invisible facemask?
>
> Obviously, Bill had been talking to himself,
TOM: I fail to see how that is obvious.
> for his last
> thought was suddenly answered by that of the lovely lady he had
> unwittingly slapped in the face.
TOM: So it was not only not obvious but *wrong*! Narrator, I question your credentials.
CROW: Don't, uh, you don't have standing, only the self-aware characters do.
TOM: Oh.
>
> "You are not going mad, Earth-man. Don't worry, I will help
> you."
JOEL: I've never met someone with your charming opacity.
CROW: [ As Bill, chuckling ] She thinks I'm opaque!
>
> "Oh, gee, lady, after what I did to you?"
TOM: [ Getting CROW's insult ] Wait a minute!
CROW: [ Giggling ]
>
> "Never mind that ... I have been waiting for an opportunity like
> this for a long time.
JOEL: You'll have to wear a disguise. Quick, put this nothing on!
> If you will take me away from here, I can aid
> you in combatting Victor and his Invisible forces." Her voice was
> urgent.
TOM: Does he actually have invisible forces or is he just good at voices?
CROW: The day Daws Butler conquered space!
>
> "Gladly, lady. Are you being held captive here too?"
JOEL: [ As Nadine ] Yes, and I don't see why!
>
> "Yes, quiet! A guard is going by." There was a long pause,
CROW: Secret of The Invisible Planet? The guards aren't paid enough to care.
> then
> Bill could feel her unlocking the chains that held him.
TOM: [ As Bill ] That's my wristwatch.
CROW: [ As Nadine ] Sorry, I could see.
> She took his
> hand and led him for a long distance.
JOEL: I hope she's not lost.
> Suddenly, ber hand grew tense in
> his. She whispered sharply.
CROW: [ As Bill ] Oh, oh please don't whisper, I can't understand a word through the sibilance. Just talk normally but softly.
> "One of his guards is advancing toward us.
> We have failed!"
JOEL: [ As Bill ] Wait a minute ... did I land in the Jaycees haunted house?
TOM: [ As Nadine ] Oh, oh no, now he's forcing your hand into this bowl full of BRAINS! Can you feel it?
>
> Bill reached inside his space suit for his concealed ray gun.
CROW: You're all angry at the invisible people but you keep your gun hidden? Hypocrite!
> He
> whipped it out. "No, we haven't, lady. If you'll just tell me where to
> shoot, I'll get him."
TOM: [ As Nadine ] Ray gun? But the guard is named Kenny!
JOEL: [ As Bill ] It's all right, this is dual-action.
TOM: [ As Nadine ] But you're not fighting a duel!
>
> Quickly, she pointed the gun.
CROW: This blind man's not bluffing!
>
> He released the ray!
TOM: The aquarium is *so* mad!
> A piercing cry rang out as the guard fell.
> The girl tugged him quickly, and broke into a run.
CROW: Oh no, you're going to have to pay for that run!
TOM: No, quick, run before they see us!
> At last they came
> to his ship which was plainly visible as it lay on the unseen ground.
JOEL: Huh, only thing visible on the planet, you'd think I'd have noticed before.
> Bill gave a whoop of delight. He felt like a blind man who had just
> seen the sun.
TOM: Secret of The Invisible Planet? Invisible sun.
>
> They entered the ship just as a hot ray splattered against the
> shell
JOEL: How did they see that?
> and the sound of running feet came to him.
TOM: Well *this* fog isn't creeping in on little cat feet.
> He lifted the ship
> speedily into the air and was flying safely off into space before he
> turned around and saw his companion.
CROW: [ As Nadine ] Invisible Moon!
JOEL: [ Ducks ]
>
> Victor had not exaggerated. She was extremely beautiful.
TOM: In an invisible sort of way.
> A
> whistle of admiration escaped Bill.
JOEL: Oh, hope we don't need that.
CROW: Where are you going to get admiration whistles in space? On The Invisible Planet? On the weekend?
>
> "No wonder Victor kept you captive, lady, if he could see you!"
TOM: Um, hello, if he couldn't see her how could he catch her? Think, McFly!
>
> "Yes, he could see me.
CROW: Feel me. Hear me. Touch me.
> Our eyes have been treated so we can see
> through the infra-red screen that covers the planet,
TOM: Oh, they're kids seeking a Visine high.
> making it
> invisible to the natural eye.
JOEL: It's not the 'naked' eye because this story's from before they invented nakedness.
> There is only one other ray, longer even
> than the infra-red, which will cut this screen and make the planet
> visible.
TOM: Ultra-infra-red!
> Victor and I are the only ones who know the secret of this
> ray,
CROW: For some reason.
> but soon the scientists of Earth will know, if you will take me
> to them."
JOEL: [ As Bill ] OK but I gotta warn you, our scientist is gonna be Bob Denver.
>
> "Right away, Nadine. Here we go!"
CROW: Secret of The Invisible Planet? Good access to the exurbs!
>
> Several months later,
TOM: This story isn't long enough to have a 'several months later'!
> a squadron of Earth ships cut through
> the Infra Screen of Inviso and easily overpowered Victor's unprepared
> forces.
CROW: Oh, *real* tough Space Army that can overpower two guys.
> Bill Swift was given a post as Commander of the new outpost
> that was now clearly visible in the heavens.
JOEL: [ As other Space Army guy ] We ever really need another Not Invisible Planet? Anyone ask for this?
>
> "I have a feeling that our adventures don't stop here,"
CROW: Exciting adventures like running away and punching!
TOM: It's two-fisted action except he only used one fist.
> Bill
> remarked to his very lovely assistant as he settled down to his
> duties.
JOEL: Thrilling tales of assistant administration!
>
> "Whatever happens, Captain Swift, I'm with you," answered
> Nadine.
>
TOM: [ As Nadine ] So ... you seeing anybody?
JOEL: So what was the secret of The Invisible Planet anyway?
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Mystery Science Theater 3000, its characters, its setup, and whatever else I'm overlooking are the property of some company, I'm thinking Satellite of Love LLC but if I'm wrong, so be it. A B Crews's short story _The Invisible Planet_ first appeared in Fox Feature Syndicate's _Weird Comics_ #1, cover date April 1940, and available at https://comicbookplus.com/?dlid=97320 pages 49-50, and is in the public domain so you have every right to do something with it yourself.
> There he was, hurtling through space at fifty miles per second,
> looking for something to explore in outer space,
--
Joseph Nebus
Math Blog: https://nebusresearch.wordpress.com
Humor Blog: https://nebushumor.wordpress.com
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