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quiet here

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  quiet here shi <shiyiya.asdis@gmail.com> - 2019-09-07 13:15 -0700
    Re: quiet here Just Me <nospam@nospam.com> - 2019-09-14 12:24 -0400
      Re: quiet here "a@a.a"   <invalid@invalid.invalid> - 2019-09-22 18:31 +0000
        Re: quiet here Just Me <nospam@nospam.com> - 2019-09-27 16:17 -0400

#57692 — quiet here

hi everyone. it's been a long time. I'm just really feeling the lack of a community right now. we're in a singlet-y period again, and I can *feel* the potential to fracture again, and I'm holding it off because having to rehabilitate and socialize a hostile new other is exhausting, but... it's exhausting holding the cracks together, too. I'm just tired. and I don't know how anyone finds a new community anymore. I tried googling for discord chat rooms, but they all had big lists of rules about being tr*umagenic or endogenic or not endogenic and being diagnosed and interviews on joining and I know you probably have to be careful about people coming in to gawk, but I just don't feel like I qualify as anything, especially while I'm still holding together as just me and I'm not really many right now.

Kyan d*ed, and I ended up with a bunch of bits of her woven in to me, and I miss her, and I don't feel like I can talk about it to anybody.

and I don't know how to not just sit and think terrible things about myself without arguing with myself, that's the only way I know to stop it, except that's the way that goes to fracturing. my whole brain is just built around dissociating and I don't know any other way to cope with anything. my cats d*ed last year, and the only way I can cope with that is just not thinking about it, which works until something reminds me and I break down.

I'm just so tired and so sad all the time and nothing ever gets any better. got denied treatment by a t because the only thing she knew how to do to help was contraindicated for dissociation, and now I don't have insurance anyway.

sorry. this isn't a good post to come back with. I just don't know who else I can talk to. and I looked at the recent posts, and there you are still, the names I remember, at least some of you.

it helps a little to say it, anyway. I've spent so much of the last few years wrapping in on myself and not saying anything to anybody because I don't want to impose on them or make them feel bad or make them worry about me.

sorry if I forgot to splat anything. I can't remember.

- not really shi anymore, but not really any other name in particular right now either

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#57693

I don't read here much. Every few months I check "just because" but I 
don't always post.

I can relate to a lot of what you've written below. I don't have all 
that going on currently, but have been in your situation recently 
enough. Some parts of what you wrote below come and go a lot, but 
there's always the fear and the chance of a full meltdown because it can 
happen at any time for me. I'm right on the edge a lot. The safer edge 
at the moment, but that's not always due to progress but luck. And luck 
changes out of nowhere so I'm never fully relaxed. I know I could lose 
everything at any moment. Literally.

I know the feeling of not having a community. We were all so lucky to 
find asd. I think the problems with forums and websites is that someone 
owns them, so someone is responsible for any legal stuff that might go 
wrong and can be held accountable and sued. So people get over 
controlling. Partially for legal reasons and partially for their own 
personal controlling reasons. Whereas with this group... no one really 
owns it. I suppose g**gl* does at this point. But it's not one person 
who can be sued if anything goes wrong. 

I'm sorry you're feeling the potential to fracture again. I know that 
feeling very very very well. Can you get away anywhere for a break? Or 
pretend to go away (vacation notices on email and phones, ringer off 
etc. - so people think it's normal that you're gone and don't question 
it) and stay at home and be "unreachable"? Sometimes getting away has 
helped us a little bit. I don't mean an expensive vacation. I just mean 
time away from day to day life. Hole up and binge watch stuff for a week 
or two or three. Eat what you want to eat. Order in. Put phones on 
silent. Do crafts or whatever you like to do. If you work, take some 
time off, if you don't work, make some time.

Re T's, maybe you could see a grief counselor and not tell them about 
the multiple stuff? Hard to do, but if you could see someone for grief 
only, maybe it would help at least that issue? I feel more comfortable 
when I can see someone who knows about all of us, but that's not often 
possible. Sometimes h*sp*t*ls and even veterinay h*sp*t*ls have grief 
counseling for free, or know of grief counselors. There could also be 
free groups for that - if you're ok with a group setting. Even meetup 
groups (it's weird how many random meetup groups there are!)

For insurance, can you get medicaid? The paperwork can be overwhelming, 
but if you qualify for that it can be helpful.

I wish I knew something to say that might be more useful to you 
immediately. I hope you feel better soon. And heck you should know 
there's no really right or wrong first, last, or in between post here :) 
Almost anything goes!

I'm very sorry you're having such a hard time.

In article <da7ad640-1102-47c1-830c-6783604e1894@googlegroups.com>,
 shi <shiyiya.asdis@gmail.com> wrote:

> hi everyone. it's been a long time. I'm just really feeling the lack of a 
> community right now. we're in a singlet-y period again, and I can *feel* the 
> potential to fracture again, and I'm holding it off because having to 
> rehabilitate and socialize a hostile new other is exhausting, but... it's 
> exhausting holding the cracks together, too. I'm just tired. and I don't know 
> how anyone finds a new community anymore. I tried googling for discord chat 
> rooms, but they all had big lists of rules about being tr*umagenic or 
> endogenic or not endogenic and being diagnosed and interviews on joining and 
> I know you probably have to be careful about people coming in to gawk, but I 
> just don't feel like I qualify as anything, especially while I'm still 
> holding together as just me and I'm not really many right now.
> 
> Kyan d*ed, and I ended up with a bunch of bits of her woven in to me, and I 
> miss her, and I don't feel like I can talk about it to anybody.
> 
> and I don't know how to not just sit and think terrible things about myself 
> without arguing with myself, that's the only way I know to stop it, except 
> that's the way that goes to fracturing. my whole brain is just built around 
> dissociating and I don't know any other way to cope with anything. my cats 
> d*ed last year, and the only way I can cope with that is just not thinking 
> about it, which works until something reminds me and I break down.
> 
> I'm just so tired and so sad all the time and nothing ever gets any better. 
> got denied treatment by a t because the only thing she knew how to do to help 
> was contraindicated for dissociation, and now I don't have insurance anyway.
> 
> sorry. this isn't a good post to come back with. I just don't know who else I 
> can talk to. and I looked at the recent posts, and there you are still, the 
> names I remember, at least some of you.
> 
> it helps a little to say it, anyway. I've spent so much of the last few years 
> wrapping in on myself and not saying anything to anybody because I don't want 
> to impose on them or make them feel bad or make them worry about me.
> 
> sorry if I forgot to splat anything. I can't remember.
> 
> - not really shi anymore, but not really any other name in particular right 
> now either

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#57695

Missing my others. we always seemed to get on together

however they subsided into the background and I seem to have lost them

Was watching a slepp hypnotism youtube and found myself saying hello to our
guys

miss them, tears, not used to being on our own

being many seems normal, being just one is lonely

need to find each other again

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#57697

Supposedly everyone is still "there" inside you. Just shuffled around a 
bit, but not gone. Hard for me to know if that's true. I've had times I 
missed insiders.

I hope you feel better soon.

In article <gupsvbF2aneU1@mid.individual.net>,
 "a@a.a"   <invalid@invalid.invalid> wrote:

> Missing my others. we always seemed to get on together
> 
> however they subsided into the background and I seem to have lost them
> 
> Was watching a slepp hypnotism youtube and found myself saying hello to our
> guys
> 
> miss them, tears, not used to being on our own
> 
> being many seems normal, being just one is lonely
> 
> need to find each other again

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